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There were very few asteroids along the way, so Ken was able
to jettison to Vodka Land in record time. Jettisoning through
hyperspace was one thing. Parallel docking was another. Ken
had been the butt of many a joke in his time…all due
to his uncanny lack of depth perception. It took him seventeen
tries to dock the escape pod. He was quite embarrassed when
he disembarked the pod and discovered that he had been quite
the spectacle to many a café diner. He hastily departed
the dock in order to avoid potential recognition at a later
date.
As he neared the entrance to Vodka Land, Ken spotted Mr.
Butch. They quickly exchanged greetings and passed through
the golden portal to Vodka Land. Vodka Land…where all
your troubles will disappear and melt away…not unlike
the ice in your lovely glass. Ken and Mr. Butch ordered their
first potion immediately. They had the good sense to order
two potions each, both knowing that the first drink was always
spontaneously consumed.
Midway through their second drink, they began to chat. “So,
you sounded pretty frenzied in your transmission. What was
going on over at the Casa?” said Mr. Butch. “You
wouldn’t believe it! I was actually bonding with Godzilla,
and Skipper and Barbie were the ones ripping flesh from the
bones of some mutilated carcass! It’s like there was
this major role reversal vortex going on or something! I barely
made it out in time…I’m sure that had I stayed
one second longer I too would’ve been transformed!”
“Into God knows what!” “I’ll drink
to that!” The gentlemen were about to toast each other
when they realized that their glasses were empty. “Here!
Let me fix that!” Said Mr. Butch. He had a keen sense
of Vodka Perception, and Ken knew that their glasses would
magically refill in no time at all. He was sure of it! He
had no sooner finished the thought when Mr. Butch magically
produced a full glass for each of them. “Cheers!”
they toasted each other in unison.
“So, where’s the little woman this weekend?”
inquired Ken. “Oh, well, you know…she’s
out trying to hail the aliens and make contact again. (Mrs.
Butch is part of a national twirling team.) I guess there
was an asteroid storm along the way and she got diverted to
Neptune. She’ll be back later in the week.” “Let’s
drink to Uranus!” giggled Ken. They once again toasted
in glee. “At least she doesn’t shed scales or
leave her appendages scattered around the house! The girls
I live with are ALWAYS home, and they leave deposits everywhere!
I never get a moment’s peace. Last night Skipper and
Barbie wanted me to test their vibrators for television interference…again!
I mean, what is WITH that?! At ten o’clock at night
I had to get out the tape measure and chalk to determine the
minimum and maximum interference range of the PowerPro 2000!
You know it’s their time of the month again, and there
was no way I could refuse! They threatened to rub me in fish
oil and throw me to Godzilla!” “I’m sorry!
Here…have another cocktail!” said Mr. Butch.
By now the vodka haze was quite heavy. Through the crowd
Ken spotted a familiar troll of immense proportions. “Hmmm.”
He thought to himself. “Why do I know that old troll?”
He was too drunk to remember, but not drunk enough to forget.
He couldn’t get the thought out of his head. He conferred
with Mr. Butch. “Butch! Who is that dude over there?
It’s driving me crazy. Do you recognize him?”
“No, but here’s another drink. Maybe it’ll
come back to you.”
Ken and Butch scanned the crowd. “Look! Isn’t
that Lucidia?” gasped Butch. “We haven’t
seen her in years! Doesn’t she look fabulous? Damn!
We really need to find out her secret!” Mr. Butch motioned
to Lucidia to come over and join them. Unfortunately his signal
was intercepted by none other than the troll of unremembered
fame. The troll locked in on Mr. Butch’s signal and
transported his immense body immediately towards him. “Oh
God! What are we going to do now?!” said Ken. As soon
as the troll was within signal range Butch looked directly
at him and said “My friend really likes you, can he
buy you a drink?!” Mr. Butch immediately transported
himself to another galaxy, leaving poor Ken all alone with
the troll. “Actually, I was going to offer to buy you
a drink.” Said the troll. “What would you like?”
“Oh, why thank you. A vodka tonic will do just fine!”
Said Ken. More alcohol couldn’t hurt. The troll waddled
over to the bar. Ken knew he wouldn’t be as quick as
Mr. Butch at refueling as Mr. Butch…nobody is. So he
settled back and plotted a plan of revenge on Mr. Butch.
The troll returned several minutes later. Ken had had plenty
of time to plot his revenge. He engaged himself in idle chitchat
with the troll. “So, what’s your name?”
“Barnie” “Barnie? Such a lovely name. Were
you named after the dinosaur? I have a roommate named after
a dinosaur! Look! We have something in common already!”
“Actually, my brother’s name is Fred, and it just
seemed like the logical choice at the time.” “Oh,
how fascinating! So, your family follows the entertainment
industry, do they?” “Well, not really…but
when I was growing up there were always cartoons around. I’m
kinda partial to ‘em, you know.” “You know,
Barnie…you look so familiar to me. It’s been driving
me crazy all night! Why do I know you?” Barnie thought
quite intensely for a moment or two, then replied flatly “I
dunno.” By now it was quite obvious from the look in
his eyes and the palpitation of his heart that the troll was
very much enamored with Ken. Ken knew it was time to take
evasive action and put his plan into action.
Ken scanned the room and located Mr. Butch. He was engaged
in heavy conversation with Lucidia. They were obviously discussing
facials and decoupage…Ken could tell by the hand signals
that were being generated. “I’ll get you my pretty.”
Ken cackled to himself. “Could you excuse me a minute
Barnie. I really need to go take care of something.”
As Ken walked away Barnie was still trying to form an appropriate
response.
The plan was quite simple. So simple in fact that Ken completely
forgot it. He walked straight past Butch and Lucidia, and
kept right on going through the golden portal and out onto
the docks in front of Vodka Land. “Now, what was it
I was going to do?” The vodka had obviously gone straight
to his head and other extremities. “Food. Must have
food.” Ken thought to himself. Although it was quite
dark, he was able to use his sharpened sense of smell, which
Godzilla had actually assisted him enhancing, to locate the
nearest source of nourishment. After dining Ken felt much
better. He proceeded directly to the escape pod and jettisoned
back to Casa Lesbo. Thank God he didn’t have to parallel
dock at Casa Lesbo! Mr. Butch’s revenge would just have
to wait.
Godzilla and Skipper were both home, as usual, in their appropriate
dents on the sofa. They snorted in sync as Ken entered. Skipper
had unfortunately proved quite the apprentice in Godzilla’s
charm school. Ken snorted back and proceeded down the hall
to his chamber. There wasn’t a carcass to be found—all
evidence of the les-b-que was gone, thank God. The red light
on the telephone was flashing, indicative of several messages.
Ken was too tired to deal with them, so he just brushed his
teeth and went to bed.
Tomorrow would be another day—there was plenty of time
to answer any messages and take care of any unfinished business.
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