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"Are you sure you haven't had too much vodka?"
Inquired Mr. Butch. "I mean, hip-hop bomb squads and
terrorists delivering pizza? Kinda makes ya wonder."
"No, I haven't had too much vodka. Everyone knows that
would be utterly impossible. Besides, I need a way to test
the new V-Squared power system on the DreamVet." "The
what?" "The V-Squared. You know-vodka vapors. The
system siphons the excess vodka vapors from the air around
me and condenses them into usable liquid fuel. Quite ingenious,
don't you think?" "No, what I really think is you've
finally gone off the deep end!" "You're just jealous
because you didn't think of it first!" "Ken, you
know that's not true. I'm just concerned about your mental
stability. Maybe you need some time off. Some time to get
away and let the vodka drain from your system. Some time to
reflect." "Good grief, you make it sound like I'm
99 years old! I can handle the vodka, I'm fine. And why the
sudden seriousness? This isn't like you at all." "Like
I said, I'm just concerned. And this V-Squared system? Isn't
that like promoting drunk driving?" "No, not at
all! The system is designed to operate on the passenger's
vapors. I would never promote or encourage drunk driving!"
"Well, fine. Who are you going to get to test the system?"
"For God's sake! Just look around! We're in Vodka Land!"
"Yoo-hoo! Ken! Over here!" A voice beckoned from
across the bar. Ken and Mr. Butch both turned to identify
the source. "Oh my God! Is that who I think it is?!"
Exclaimed Ken as he squinted to focus. "My God, I think
it is!" Replied Mr. Butch. It was indeed none other than
Vodka Spice. She was the Spice Girl that never even managed
to make it up on stage. She was always the one hungover in
the dressing room with a never-ending pitcher of martinis.
"Girl, I haven't seen you in ages!" Gushed Ken.
Vodka staggered and tried to maintain her balance. "You...uh...haven't
changed a bit! How are you? How's your momma?" Vodka's
mother was appropriately named Old Spice. "Old? She's
good. Still makin' a killin' at the dog track! I just wish
I had her knack for pickin' the dogs! I'd never have to work
again!" "As if." Ken thought to himself. "Well,
I guess we can't all be so lucky." Replied Ken. "So,
how's it going with you and the girls? I saw Zilla chasing
some rodents down the street the other day. I didn't have
time to stop and chat though. I was on my way to work."
"Really? Work?" "Yeah, I'm still traveling
with the group. I was late for rehearsals and I couldn't stop."
"Hmmmm. Rehearsals. How hard could it be to mix a pitcher
of martinis?" Ken thought to himself.
"So, what have you guys been up to?" Asked Vodka.
"Well, it's funny you should ask." Replied Mr. Butch.
"Ken and I were just discussing that. Ken here has come
up with a fabulous new invention--he calls it the V-Squared.
It filters out excess vodka vapors from the air and recondenses
them into usable fuel." "Wow! What a great idea!
How does it work?" "Well, Ken can't really reveal
that right now. He hasn't received his patent yet, right Ken?"
Ken glared at Mr. Butch. "Actually, I wasn't even ready
to announce the invention yet. Thanks for blowing the lid,
Billy!" "Hey! You never said it was a secret! And
something this good needs to be shared!" "Billy's
right, Ken! This sounds great! If you need any potential backers
my mom's always got a stash to invest. I told you she does
real good with the dogs!" "Thanks for the offer,
V, but I'm doing just fine. All I need to do now is round
up a few candidates for the test run of the vet. I've added
a fold down seat in the back, so there should be room for
three candidates. I'll be the pilot of course."
"Wow! I wanna ride! I wanna ride!" Vodka was jumping
up and down quite excitedly. Ken had to admit, given her seemingly
endless tolerance for alcohol, she would be an ideal candidate.
"You know, I think you'd actually do quite well as a
candidate. Sure, why not! You can come along on the test drive."
"Wow! This is so exciting!" Vodka was jumping up
and down not unlike a cheerleader after her first touchdown.
"V, calm down! People are going to stare!" "I
can't help it! This is so exciting! I've always wanted to
help on a real life science project! I was horrible at math
in school." "How in the heck is math related to
a science project?" "Well, you know, the same guy
taught both science and math." "OK, V. How 'bout
another drink?" "Sure!"
"So, when do we have the test run?" Gurgled Vodka.
"Actually, the Vet's ready any time. I just need to find
two other candidates." "Hey, why not take along
Billy? You guys are best buds, and he can really hold his
vodka!" "What? Did I hear my name?" Relied
Mr. Butch. "Yes, you did!" Said Ken. "V here
was just saying how you'd make an excellent candidate for
the test run of the V-Squared. And you know, I think she's
right!" "No way buddy! I'm not going up in that
thing and have it explode like the Challenger! I wanna be
right here in Vodka Land with my feet on the ground!"
"C'mon Billy! Do you think I'd put your life in jeopardy?
Plus, I'll be in the vet, too! I wouldn't take off in anything
I didn't feel safe in!" "No way!" "There'll
be unlimited Vodka on board..." "Oh. OK. I'll do
it!" Ken knew that Billy would be an easy sell. "That
leaves one more seat to be filled. I need one more person
to fill the third seat." Ken, Mr. Butch and Vodka Spice
all three scanned the bar for another candidate. "It
should be someone with a very low blood level in their alcohol,
like you guys. Maybe a little heavier for ballast. Not in
a fat kind of way, there wouldn't be room in the vet. Just
heavier...more solid than you guys." Just then Twirlina
entered the Golden Portals. "Twirlina!" The three
shouted in tandem. "You know, she'd be the perfect candidate!
If we had to crash land or ran into any kind of trouble, she
could use her portable flags and signal for help! She'd be
perfect!" "Excellent!" Replied Ken.
"C'mon Twirlina! We're goin' for a ride!" Said
Ken as he linked arms with Twirlina. "But I just got
here! I haven't even had my first seven cocktails!" "It's
OK. We'll get you some to go cups." Vodka appeared with
a capped pitcher of martinis and an IV unit. "Ready!"
She shouted. The group proceeded directly to the Dream Vet.
Vodka and Twirlina sat in the back seat, so that Vodka could
attach the IV to Twirlina more easily. Once they had settled
in, Ken attached the V-Squared siphons to their heads. "Good
grief, Ken! You really should've consulted a fashion designer
when you created these things! It makes us look like the Tin
Man!" Snarled Vodka. "This really won't do! In the
future this is going to have to be redesigned!" Ken snapped
back: "Fine! Let's just see if it works, first, shall
we Miss V?!" "Just remember, fashion always comes
first!" Relied V. "Yeah! Fashion first!" Echoed
Twirlina. She tried to raise her fist in support, but the
IV had already begun to take affect. She simply lopped her
head to the side and began to drool. "Oh God, somebody
get me a towel! She's gonna get me all soggy!" Said Vodka.
"You'll find all the supplies you need in the side compartment."
Replied Ken. "OK, Billy. Your turn. Strap yourself in!"
Said Ken. Billy was quite familiar with this command and did
as instructed. He placed the funnel over his head. "Great.
Should we all start singing now? 'We're off to see the wizard,
the wonderful wizard of..." "OK! Enough with the
Oz jokes! I'll redesign the head units for the next run!"
Said Ken. "Oh thank God!" Said Vodka from the back
seat. "Hey! You told me there'd be unlimited vodka on
this ride! Where's my drink?!" Said Billy. "Just
press the button over your visor. The vodka unit will drop
down automatically." Said Ken. Billy pressed the button
and just as Ken had said, the vodka unit, complete with an
assortment of garnishes, dropped down from the overhead compartment.
"Fabulous!" Said Billy as he prepared himself a
lovely vodka tonic. "Everybody strapped in? Here we go!"
Said Ken.
Ken slowly piloted the Vet away from the dock. He merged
with traffic and began moving away from Vodka Land. "I'll
use normal power until we get away from heavy traffic. I'm
going to go ahead and warm up the V-Squared though. That way
I can begin monitoring the vapors." "Yeah, sure,
whatever." Gurgled Twirlina from her vodka haze. Vodka
Spice had managed to tap a line into Twirlina's IV, so she
was feeling pretty good, too. "I think I need some ice.
Where's the ice?" She barked. "I think you need
to turn up the flow of your IV hon, you're entering the hangover
zone prematurely." Said Ken. "Whatever. I still
need ice though! Room temperature martinis are just disgusting!"
"I agree!" Said Billy as he passed the ice bucket
from the glove compartment to the back seat. "Here ya
go Vodka!" "Thanks Billy! You're a lifesaver!"
Ken could see from the control panel that everyone's vodka
level was perfect. High enough to constitute a good level
for condensation, yet not too high so as to avoid any unnecessary
explosions. He was ready to activate the V-Squared unit. "OK
everybody. All systems are go. I'm going to activate the V-Squared
unit. Here we go!" Ken pressed the small red button on
the overhead control panel. A whooshing sound echoed through
the Vet as the siphon atop each of his candidates' heads was
activated. The funnel units tightened as the air was drawn
out and a vacuum created beneath the unit, firmly attaching
them to each candidate. "Wow! What a rush!" Exclaimed
Vodka. "I just hope this doesn't wreck my hairdo!"
"Impossible! You've got enough Aqua Net in there to fend
off an asteroid shower! You'll be fine!" Said Ken. "Hey!"
Replied Vodka.
"All systems go. Ready to switch over power supply."
Kathleen Turner announced. Ken had programmed the V-Squared
computer system using Kathleen Turner's voice pattern. "Ready
Kathleen. You can switch over now." Ken replied. "Thank
you, Ken. Please stand by." The roar of the engine was
replaced by a quiet whir. "Switch over complete."
Announced Kathleen. "Wow! I can't believe how smoothly
this runs!" Said Ken. This is even better than I had
anticipated. What do you guys think? This engine runs much
smoother than fossil fuel! I think we've got a winner here!"
His candidates did not reply. They were entering the dream
stage of vodka haze. They were completely unaware of their
surroundings. Ken continued to pilot the vet for another hour
or so, while his candidates continued to nap and drool. "Hmmm.
This is going really well. I wonder how she'll perform if
I take her up to warp speed." Ken thought to himself.
"Kathleen!" "Yes, Ken." "I'd like
to take the vet up to warp speed, just to see how she handles.
Could you please increase the velocity." "Yes, Ken.
Please stand by." The engines began to hum louder. Suddenly
Ken looked down at the control panel. "What in the world?!"
He exclaimed. "Kathleen! The control panel says we're
moving at 800 miles per hour! Is this correct?" "Please
stand by. Yes, we are now cruising at 800 miles per hour,
Ken." Ken peered in the rear view window. The blue glow
of the vapor trail behind the Vet indeed confirmed this most
astonishing fact. Even more incredible was the fact that the
Vet was now airborne. "Kathleen, where in the world are
we? And where are we going?" "Please stand by."
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