|
As Ken drove up to Casa Lesbo, his nostrils informed him
that indeed his worst fears had come true. The aroma of rotting
seafood filled the hot Summer air. He parked the Dream Vet
and walked up to the main airlock, being careful not to step
on any of the claws or other assorted sundry crab parts that
littered the path. “That’s it!” He thought
to himself. “The girls will NEVER be allowed to boil
crabs at Casa Lesbo again!” Ken hadn’t smelled
a stench this bad since his Aunt Happy had forgot to put the
tuna casserole away before she left on a six week Caribbean
cruise. And even then, the toxins were much more localized.
She had left the casserole inside, right on the counter next
to the Handi-wipes. The girls of Casa Lesbo had decided to
share their toxins with the entire neighborhood by mobilizing
the source. The crab debris had been deposited in several
bags and scattered throughout both the interior and the exterior
environments of Casa Lesbo.
Ken spotted the large festering Hefty bag next to the curb.
He had a momentary flashback to the previous Sunday, when
he had returned home to find Skipper, Barbie, and Godzilla
all huddled around a pot in the kitchen. They were gnawing
and thrashing at the carcasses before them. Legs, claws, lungs…body
parts were flying everywhere. The girls barely even noticed
him as he walked by in horror. He’d never forget the
sound of their feeding…it would give him nightmares
for the rest of his life.
His nostrils began to burn noticeably. He started to gag.
The scent was absolutely hideous. “Funny” thought
Ken. “Where have all the birds gone?” The air
was silent. There were no signs of life anywhere around Casa
Lesbo.
Ken opened the main airlock. The air inside Casa Lesbo was
no better than that outside. It was just cooler. He was living
in a veritable seafood cocktail, and didn’t like it
one bit! Barbie was at her usual station. Now that she had
quit her job and begun consulting, she was permanently anchored
at the kitchen table. “Hi Ken! What’s up?!”
“My God! Haven’t you noticed the stench around
here?! It’s been two days since your crabfest, and the
air still reeks of it! Jesus! Those Hefty bags of crab parts
out front have begun releasing toxic fumes! You’ve killed
all of the wildlife for miles around, and the neighbors are
sure to leave death threats fastened to our door with a butcher
knife any time now!” “Really? I hadn’t noticed
the smell. I guess I’ve just gotten used to it.”
Said Barbie as she tossed a crab leg into the ashtray in front
of her. “I’ve been snacking on them all day…they’re
yummy! Want one?” Somehow the thought of two-day-old,
twice heated, now tepid crab did not appeal to Ken. “No
thanks! I can’t believe you can eat that and not throw
up!” “Now Ken, you’re so fussy about what
you eat! You just need to relax!” “Whatever!”
Ken ended the conversation quickly. The stench was beginning
to make him quite nauseous. Not wanting to add the stench
of vomit to the already toxic air at Casa Lesbo, he went to
his room.
“Thank God for Hepa-Filters!” Ken thought to
himself. After catching his breath in the hermetically sealed
environment of his room, Ken changed into a fabulous Summer
outfit consisting of khaki shorts and an exceptionally festive
Hawaiian shirt. He quickly packed a gym bag and was ready
to launch the Dream Vet. Perhaps the air would be better when
he returned at night. He prayed it would be so. “I’m
going to the gym. I’ll see ya later!” Ken said
as he passed Barbie on his way out. Barbie wiped a tiny tidbit
of tepid crab from her lip and waved a claw at Ken as he passed
by her office<slash>dining room table.
Ken arrived at the gym in record time. He changed quickly
and proceeded to the workout benches. He was really looking
forward to working out some of his frustrations. He spotted
Big Steve and waved. Big Steve acknowledged Ken, and began
to walk over. As he approached, Ken noticed that Big Steve’s
nose cringed. “How ya doin’ Kenny? I haven’t
seen you in a while, and it’s great to…”
Big Steve coughed and started to gag. “Man! What the
hell is that SMELL over here?! Jesus! It smells like somethin’
DIED!” “I hadn’t noticed. We’ve had
some pretty bad smells around the house lately, and…”
Big Steve moved in closer and sniffed Ken’s shirt. “Jesus
Christ, Ken! It’s you! Where in the HELL have you been
playin’?! Even worse, what the hell have you been eatin’?!”
Exclaimed Big Steve. “What?” Ken sniffed his shirt.
“Jesus! I smell like two-day-old crabs!” “You’re
damn right about that! I’m sorry, but you know I’m
allergic to seafood and I just can’t stand next to you!
It was good seein’ you, maybe next time you’ll
smell better!” Big Steve turned and went back to his
workout bench, several hundred feet away.
Ken was shattered! He felt humiliated. As he looked around
the gym, he wondered which way the currents had carried his
scent. He knew that before long, members of the gym would
begin to complain about the stench. They’d follow their
noses right to him, and he’d be the mockery of Gold’s.
He had to leave, there was no alternative. Although he had
been at the gym only seven minutes, it was time to go. He
proceeded directly to the locker room, and swore that he would
burn his clothes when he got home that night.
Ken removed his gym clothes and wadded them tightly into
a ball. He then double-wrapped them in hand towels, to seal
in the fumes as much as possible. He proceeded to the showers.
Ken scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, and still the scent
of seafood remained embedded in every cell of his body. “What
to do, what to do?” Ken wondered. “I know! Maybe
if I sit in the steam room long enough I can sweat out the
smell.”
Ken entered the steam room. There were three young men present.
One by one they would develop a cough, be unable to catch
their breath, and leave. Alas, Ken was alone. After a few
minutes, a young man of quite good complexion entered the
steam room. His skin was absolutely flawless, Ken was sure
that the youth had fed upon pure Ambrosia his entire life.
He smiled at Ken, and Ken smiled back. Just as Ken was about
to strike up a conversation with the nubile young man of quite
good complexion, the young man said “Do you smell something
funny in here? It smells like fish!” “You know,
I think it’s the plumbing. I heard somebody say that
the drains need cleaning or something like that.” “Wow!
I hope they do it soon, it really stinks!” “Me
too!”
A third man entered the steam room. The young youth of Ambrosian
origin moved closer to Ken, to allow more space for the new
entrant of course. It wasn’t long before the new entrant
became aware of the aroma of fish. “What IS that?”
The entrant asked. “Bad plumbing.” Replied Ken
and Mr. Ambrosia. “Wow! It really got a lot worse when
I moved over here next to you, dude!” Mr. Ambrosia said
to Ken. He moved his nose over towards Ken and sniffed his
shoulder. “Wow! I think it IS you!” Mr. Ambrosia
and the new entrant tied their towels and shot out of the
steam room faster than Oprah to KFC.
Ken was left all alone in the sauna. He bowed his head and
began to weep. He put on his towel and slowly moved out to
the showers. He continued weeping in the showers. Thankfully
the water from the showerhead would disguise his tears, and
he would not be forced to suffer yet more humiliation. He
took a long, long shower. He finished several minutes later,
after he had finally regained at least partial composure.
He dressed and left the gym a broken man. His shoulders were
slumped over, his eyes were all bleary from the crying, his
hair was limp. He kept his head down so as to avoid eye contact
with anyone he knew. He was moving not unlike Ee-or of Pooh
fame. Stink boy was leaving the arena.
On the way home Ken noticed the scent of fish had permeated
the entire interior of the Dream Vet. “That’s
just great!” Ken said aloud. He decided to park the
Dream Cod and get some ice cream. That would surely make him
feel better. And potato chips! Yeah! He’d feel lots
better if he could just get some ice cream and potato chips.
He’d get the snacks to go and eat them at home, since
it was almost time for Ally McBeal. Ken quickly nabbed the
goods and swam the Dream Vet home. He didn’t even notice
the stench when he arrived.
When last seen, Ken was home alone in bed with a bowl of
ice cream and a bag of potato chips by his side. He was watching
Ally McBeal. As he leaned over to grab another chip from the
bag, he noticed that his bedding smelled like fish. Once again
he began to cry uncontrollably. The transformation had begun.
He was home alone, eating junk food, watching television,
crying, and feeling quite bloated. He sobbed even harder when
he realized that his thighs were getting fat. Ken realized
that soon he would become…a fish. He touched his ovaries
and sighed.
It was a very sad night at Casa Lesbo. |
