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Ken narrowed his eyes and squinted at the olive floating
in his martini. He drew the glass closer to his face so as
to allow his eyes to focus...a task they had not performed
in quite some time, thanks to Kitty, Mimi, and the Happy Trails
Saloon on Davis Blvd. "Hmm. That's odd. Look at this,
Kitty. My olive has some sort of a polyp on its side! I wonder
what that's about!" "Lemme have a look!" slurred
Kitty as she pushed Ken to one side of his stool and grabbed
the glass from his hand. Kitty had recently completed her
liver enlargement procedure at Tampa General and been quite
relishing her newly heightened sense of vodka-vision. It was
like a sixth sense that she never knew she had before. She
donned her cat-eyed Sofia Loren Number 720 rhinestone-rims
and moved in for a closer look. "Sweet Jesus!" Kitty
said as she quivered and quickly set down the glass. "That's
no polyp! For God's sake Ken, it's a ladybug! It must've been
processed with the olive when it went through the factory!"
"That's absolutely disgusting!" Replied Ken. "Not
only that, it's bad luck to kill a ladybug! This is not a
good sign. Not good at all." Little did Kitty know how
true her words would prove.
Ken couldn't shake the feeling. Kitty's words rang in his
ears like the gentle whisper of a freight train barreling
down the tracks at full speed. "This is not a good sign.
Not good at all." "Are you ready Kitty? I've about
had enough vodka for now." "Nah, I think I'm gonna
hang out a little longer and see if I can meet a Marlboro
man before closing time." Said Kitty as she caressed
the olive in her martini. "But why don't you go on without
me, I'll be fine." "OK then. I think I'll take Aunt
Mimi with me though...her tank's about full. C'mon Aunt Mimi!"
Said Ken as he lifted Mimi's head from the bar and held it
upright for a few minutes, allowing her to regain partial
consciousness before being poured into a cab. "Wuh? Where
are we? Huh?" "It's OK Aunt Mimi, we're just gonna
go on home now." "Oh, OK. Night-night." Said
Mimi as her head flopped back down onto the bar. Kitty was
now the reigning champ of consumption, a title Mimi had held
for years. The crush of the abrupt dethroning had really taken
a toll on Mimi's delicate senses. Martinis just didn't excite
her like they used to.
"Looks like you've got your work cut out for ya, dude."
Said Sam, the firm-buttocked, most delicious bartender of
unknown Latin origin. "You sure you don't want me to
help you carry her out?" Said Sam as he winked at Ken.
Kitty caught the wink and was most upset. The apple of her
eye was apparently not interested in her at all. Or any woman
for that matter. She cursed her vodka-vision for not picking
up on this sooner. She could've saved hundreds of dollars
and hours of wasted effort. To think that she had passed up
a moonlight madness sale at the Liquor Barn for this! "We'll
get her home just fine!" Said Kitty as she slammed down
her empty glass in a huff. "But I thought you..."
said Ken. "Never mind, I've changed my mind! Let's get
out of here before Mimi comes to and wants to order another
round!" Kitty and Ken each took one of Kitty's arms and
stabilized her limp body between them. "Goodnight then.
You have my number if you have any problems." Said Sam,
again winking at Ken. "Thanks." Replied Ken as his
buttocks tensed. "Whatever!" Huffed Kitty as she
fished out Ken's pickled ladybug and crunched it between her
teeth. The storm clouds over her head were quite visible,
even without the enhanced power of vodka-vision. Kitty had
unfortunately acquired quite the temper along with her enhanced
vodka-vision. Ken was by now accustomed to her routine. He
knew that she would eventually mellow out. It just required
time and twenty or thirty cigarettes. He felt it best not
to confront Kitty at all, just smile and agree with whatever
she said.
As the tipsy trio squeezed through the door of the Happy
Trails Saloon, none of them noticed that one of Mimi's pumps
had fallen off. Kitty and Ken were too busy trying to keep
the USS Mimi afloat to notice that one of her lifeboats had
broken loose. They stumbled out of the bar and into a waiting
cab. (Sam had been thoughtful enough to call ahead for them.)
The trio proceeded directly to their suite at the Tampa Riviera.
Indeed they were all sharing a common suite, but Ken's room
had a separate entrance--for safety reasons obviously. Kitty
and Ken poured Mimi into the first available sofa. Across
the darkened room Ken could see the little red jujubee blinking
on the telephone, alerting him that messages were waiting.
As he turned on the lights Kitty gasped. "My God! Have
you no decency man?! No woman looks good in THIS light at
THIS time of the night! Dim those orbs immediately!"
Ken did as he was told, again not wanting to awaken the evil
spirits within Kitty. He proceeded to the phone to check the
messages.
Ken waded through the usual barrage of chit-chat messages.
Delete, delete, delete. Ken worked his way through the messages.
He was just about to delete the last one when a knock at the
door caught his attention. He decided not to delete the last
message just yet. He opened the door to discover Sam the bartender.
"Sam, what are you doing here at this hour?" "Why,
you don't know?" "What do you mean?" "I
am Prince Charming, and I am here to return Cinderella's slipper!"
"What?" "Your Aunt Mimi! She has lost her slipper
and I am here to return it!" "Huh?" Sam produced
the slipper and showed it to Ken. "Good grief! I never
even noticed that it was missing! Are you sure it's hers?"
"Puh-lease! Look! It matches her outfit. Where is she...we
can check to make sure."
"Where is who?" Said Kitty as her caftan floated
the room. "Mimi. Sam was good enough to return what he
thinks is her missing pump, we just need to make sure that
it's really hers." "Sam? Sam's here?" "Yes
I am. Hello Kitty!" Said Sam. "Well what the hell
are you boys waiting for? Just strap it to one of Mimi's hooves
and see if it fits, dammit! There's no need to drag this thing
out all night! Must you boys always have so much drama in
your lives?!" Quipped Kitty. "We were about to do
just that." Said Ken.
The trio drew in towards Mimi. She was balled-up the sofa,
drooling happily. Ken couldn't help notice the resemblance
to Godzilla. Except of course that Aunt Mimi was completely
devoid of scales and had no rodent tails dangling from her
incisors. They noticed immediately the absence of one shoe.
The pump in Ken's hand was an identical match. They agreed
it was Mimi's on the spot. Ken sighed that he would not have
to force the pump onto her foot and try it on for size. God
only knew what she had been storing up in the toes of her
nylons these days. "Well that settles it. Thank you for
returning the shoe Sam. I'm sure Mimi will reward you quite
nicely when she regains consciousness in a couple of days."
Said Kitty. "I'm off to bed now. You boys turn out the
lights when you're through, will you?" With that she
turned and floated away once again on her caftan. "Sure
Kitty. Goodnight." Said Ken. "Goodnight." Said
Sam.
"Would you like a drink or something before you go?"
Ken asked Sam. "Well, not really. I'm not that thirsty.
What I am is tired. Mind if I just crash on the other sofa
for the night?" "Don't be ridiculous, you can sleep
with me. The bed's big enough and it's much more comfortable
than the sofa." "Cool."
"What should we do about Mimi?" Asked Sam. "Oh,
I think she'll be OK where she is. She'll eventually come
to and find her way into her bedroom. We'll lock our door
just in case though. She could turn violent if she stumbles
into our room and gets cornered!" Joked Ken. He turned
out the lights and led Sam to his room.
"I hope you don't mind, but I don't wear anything when
I sleep." Said Sam. "That's fine. Neither do I."
Lied Ken. "I'll leave the light on until you're in bed,
so you don't stub a toe or something." Ken lied again,
as he intentionally faced Sam to watch him undress. Sam's
bronze skin and perfectly muscled body were incredible. Ken
began to tremble. Sam slid his naked body into bed. "You
can turn the lights out now...I'm in!" Said Sam. Ken's
voice cracked as he too slid his naked body into bed. "So...I
wonder what kind of reward Aunt Mimi has in store for you!
Is there anything you really need?" Sam rolled over and
placed all three legs on top of Ken. "Oh, I don't know...let
me think about it..."
Again Kitty's words echoed in Ken's head..."not a good
sign...not good at all". Ken paused for a moment, then
decided to deal with the omen later. He had much more pressing
issues at the moment. Literally. |
