|
After spending an evening with God Ken was anxious to share
his tale with others. He soared down the highway back to the
bed and brothel. His heart was pounding the entire way. It
wasn't every day that one had a conversation with God. He
felt quite blessed. Upon his arrival at the B&B he quickly
shed his clothes and prepared to join the other guests for
the daily ritual of the hot tub scrub.
"Well, somebody's absolutely beaming tonight!"
Said Mr. Bob as Ken approached the tub. "You won't believe
it! I just saw God, and we had dinner together!" Replied
Ken. "Reeeeeally?" Said Mr. Bob. "Yeah, and
he gave me his pager number so I can call him anytime!"
"I see. You didn't happen to get hold of any bad guava
did you? Or maybe inhale too many of the vapors from the MaiTai
lava?" "No! I was perfectly fine! And so was God
for that matter!" There were several guests and leftover
prey from the day's "Jeff Stryker Amazon Boy" games
gathered around the tub, and they all began to chuckle. "Well,
by all means, tell us more!" Said Mr. Bob. "Yes,
please do!" Said Amazon Boy. "What did he look like?
Was he very old? Was he blonde? I always heard he was blonde!"
"God was in his mid twenties, about six feet tall with
brown hair, thank you very much, and deep brown eyes. His
skin was bronzed and flawless. But I have to admit, most of
the time I had my eyes closed." Ken continued his story
and told them all about how he and God had communicated on
a spiritual level, so that language seemed unnecessary. "What?
You were being touched by God and you didn't even keep your
eyes open?! That's pathetic!" Chirped a most annoying
prey boy.
Ken continued. "God had the most amazing touch. His
hands soothed every inch of my body. He gave me a full body
massage and then just rubbed my head for hours. I was completely
entranced." "What did you talk about?" Asked
Prey-boy number two. "Oh, lots of things. Mostly spiritual."
"You mean like when you find a really, really good buy
at the Dollar Store?" "No! Like how nothing can
take the place of good friends and love, like sometimes certain
scents or a gentle touch can bring back a flood of happy memories,
and days gone by." "Yeah, I know that!" Said
Prey-boy number three. "Whenever I smell chocolate it
makes me horny!" "Well, that's not exactly the type
of memories I meant." Said Ken.
The guests did not seem to share Ken's enthusiasm, and began
to mock him. "Well, you're all entitled to your own opinions,
but I know what I saw and I know how I feel. Nothing can ever
change that!" "Here! Maybe this will!" Said
Mr. Bob as he offered Ken a fresh MaiTai. Ken removed the
orchid that was floating on top and took a sip of the magic
potion. The topic quickly changed. Ken felt as if the others
did not believe, but it really didn't matter. He had received
God into his heart and that would never change. He would forever
be faithful. All of the other reindeer could laugh and call
him names all they wanted, Kendolph was strong and so was
his MaiTai.
Ken slept well that night, and relived his encounter with
God several times in his dreams. The next day dawned clear
and bright. Ken was anxious to call God and set up another
appointment. "Hi. I'm not here right now but if you leave
a message I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Ken
left a message and prayed that God would call him back soon.
Ken wondered if God would hear the prayer faster than he would
retrieve his messages. He carefully placed God's pager number
back in his wallet. It was nice to know that God was so readily
accessible. Ken took great comfort in this fact.
Ken decided to go into town and do a little shopping. As
he walked by the window of the Silver Stud Saloon, a poster
in the window happened to catch his attention. The Silver
Stud was quite famous for it's exotic mud wrestlers. Ken always
found such attractions most amusing. One of the mud wrestlers
looked quite familiar, but since he was covered with mud Ken
really couldn't make him out. The eyes. There was something
about the eyes. Ken noticed the special poster announcing
"Super Colossal Outdoor Mud Mania Wrestling Challenge".
It was today! Ken became quite excited and jotted down the
directions to the site. The challenge would be held on the
beach. It would be the perfect accompaniment to a picnic lunch.
Ken was trembling with excitement as he ordered the combination
puupuu and MaiTai platter the King Kapuupuu deli. He was practically
skipping as he followed the happy trail down to the beach.
The site of the mud mania challenge was hard to miss...there
were hundreds of brightly colored banners surrounding the
arena. A sizable crowd had already begun to gather. Ken quickened
his pace...he wanted to make sure he had an excellent vantage
point for the event. He laid out his blanket and spread out
his buffet about 20 feet from the ring. Close enough for an
excellent view, yet far enough to avoid any excessive spatter.
There was nothing worse than a mud pie for dessert, quite
literally. There were several waterboys in attendance to constantly
mist the arena. In the heat of the mid day sun the mud would
quickly dry and turn to dirt. Not a very pretty picture at
all-dirt wrestling. Ken also made sure that he was within
misting range of the arena...the moisturizing benefits of
a good mist were always welcome on Ken's face. A few of the
wrestlers had begun to warm up nearby. Ken admired their smooth
complexions as they glistened in the sun. Mud baths truly
are fabulous for the complexion. Ken poured himself a MaiTai
and began to settle in.
Ken was midway through his first kebab when the excitement
started. "Ladies and Gentlemen...in this corner we have
the first challenger of the day...MaiTai Matt. He will of
course be battling the reigning king of Mud Mania, Mr. Silver
Stud himself, Luau Larry. Let's give them both a big round
of applause before they get down and dirty!" Ken finished
his kebab and joined the crowd in applause. The bell rang
and the men dove into each other. The challenger didn't last
thirty seconds before he came flying out of the ring. The
reigning champion just grabbed hold of him and shot him out
of the ring like a watermelon seed. "Pah-toing!"
was the sound emitted as the wrestler went whizzing past Ken's
ears. The challenger landed with a thud in the sand to Ken's
left. Ken took a sip of his MaiTai as the ring was readied
for the next challenger. Again a new opponent was announced,
and again he was propelled like a watermelon seed from the
ring. A pattern had begun to develop. One by one the challengers
would enter the ring, and one by one they would be shot out
like a watermelon seed. Ken was surprised that the challengers
hadn't yet picked up on the technique, but then again, mud
wrestlers weren't exactly famous for their exceptional IQ's.
Ken was beginning to lose interest when suddenly Luau Larry
aimed one of the wrestlers and jettisoned him full speed ahead...right
towards Ken. Ken had not time to flee...he was hit and he
was hit hard. Mud flew everywhere upon impact. Worst of all
Ken spilled his MaiTai. The challenger had knocked over Ken
and continued another ten feet before landing in the sand.
He was now coated with sand, and appeared not unlike a rather
large Almond Roca candy with arms. Ken was lying flat on the
ground, empty glass in hand. Luau Larry came running from
the ring to see if Ken was OK. "Are you OK Ken?"
Ken was a little groggy as he stared up at the vision above
him. "What? Who? Huh? How did you know my name?"
"It's me...from the beach yesterday? Remember?"
"Oh my you!" (Get it? Like, instead of "Oh
my God!) Ken realized why the eyes in the poster had seemed
so familiar. They belonged to God! God was a professional
mud wrestler on the side! "When you have all the free
time in the world and unlimited resources, you really can
do whatever you want!" Ken thought to himself. "Wow!
I had no idea!" Ken said to God. "Yeah, it's a kick
aint it?! It really gives me a rush!" "No wonder
you have such excellent complexion and your skin is so soft...it's
the mud!" "Exactly! Hey, I need to get back in the
ring and go a couple more rounds. Wait for me after the show?"
"Deal!"
Ken watched the remainder of the show with renewed vitality.
It was no wonder that all of the challengers lost...I mean,
they were trying to knock down God. It was simply impossible,
unless of course you were Satan, but even then it would be
no easy task. The match was finished in no time and Luau Larry,
a.k.a. God, was once again proclaimed supreme lord and master
of the mud. When he was finished God, a.k.a. Larry, came up
to Ken. "Hey, I need to go clean up. Wanna join me? We
can hang out together the rest of the day." God in the
shower? Please. Who could turn down such an invitation? "Sure!"
Ken replied. "Great! And I'm off the next couple of days,
so we can hang for as long as you want." Ken found himself
once again trembling with excitement.
May you all find God this holiday season and throughout the
New Year. |
