|
The dog days of August had settled in over Casa Lesbo. It
was hot. It was sticky. It was disgustingly fishy. The intense
heat had obviously begun to affect the minds of those residing
in Casa Lesbo. Worst hit was Barbie. She felt that there just
weren't enough people in her life, so she decided to add another
member to the cast of Casa Lesbo. Enter Abdul, the foreign
exchange student from some little known terrorist haven in
the Middle East.
The photograph that accompanied Little Abdul's introductory
letter from Sally Struthers bore a very strong resemblance
to the man responsible for the Pan Am bombing. Godzilla immediately
vowed to place her scales on alert and wear full battle armor
at all times. Ken somehow found this very comforting. He would
be able to sleep at night knowing that Godzilla and her armada
would always be close at hand in the event of any terrorist
activity.
Little Abdul arrived with a tent in one hand and the Koran
in the other. The entire cast turned out to greet him. "Hello
Abdul, my name is Skipper, and this is Barbie, and Ken, and
Godzilla. We're all very pleased to meet you and so happy
that you'll be staying with us here in America." "Yes,
OK." Replied Abdul. "Did you enjoy the trip over?"
"Yes, OK." "Can I get you something to drink?"
"Yes, OK." "Is there anything you need?"
"Yes, OK." The pattern was becoming quite obvious.
"Well here, let me show you your room." "Yes,
OK."
Little Abdul spoke no English, thus the purpose of his visit.
He had come to America, and hence Casa Lesbo, to learn English.
He would undoubtedly be the man to pen the threat letters
and ransom notes in the future. Skipper decided that she would
provide special tutoring to little Abdul. He was going to
outshine every student in his class and be a gem among terrorists.
A few hours later, Ken could hear Skipper as she set out on
her first lesson in English with little Abdul. "OK, now
this is a spoon. Can you say that?" "Yes, OK."
"No, say spoon. This is a spoon." "Yes, OK."
"No, no, no! Spoon! Say Spoon, dammit!" "Yes,
OK dammit!" Funny how those words always seem to stick
in any language. In no time at all Abdul had memorized several
key phrases. Repeat after me... "Pass me a spoon, dammit!
Where's the damn milk? This cereal sucks!" And most importantly
"Would you like a cupcake?" "Hell yes!"
Meanwhile Godzilla was in the basement sharpening her battle
gear. She was convinced that Abdul's army would attack at
any moment, and she had to be prepared. The whir of the axe
grinder occasionally interrupted Skipper's tutoring sessions.
Every now and then the smell of polish would waft up from
the caves below and permeate the air. Godzilla lived for battle,
and she savored the taste of blood. Ken could tell from the
erectness of her scales that she was quite excited. He knew
it was not safe to consume tuna within a ten mile radius of
the beast, and opted for temporary vegetarianism, just to
be safe. "Skipper, would you or Abdul like a little tofu
patty to snack on?" Ken asked politely. "Hell no,
dammit!" replied Abdul. His lessons were coming along
just fine. Skipper marveled at her little star's quick response.
"Isn't he doing swell?" She said. "Hell yes,
dammit!" Replied Ken.
Along with the smell of polish, there was another smell occasionally
wafting into the galley. It was quite foul, somewhere between
festering crab and three-day old, tepid sushi. "What
in the HELL is that?" Skipper inquired. "Wow! You
smell it too? I thought it was just me. God, it smells like
something died!" Replied Ken. "We've really gotta
check that out. We're all gonna asphyxiate pretty soon if
we don't get rid of it!" "Let's borrow some of Godzilla's
combat gear, just in case. You never know, it could be contagious!"
Said Skipper. "Good idea. You finish up your lesson with
Abdul and I'll go get the gear." Replied Ken.
Godzilla was more than happy to provide Ken with the gear
he needed. When she offered to command the expedition, Ken
gladly accepted. Who better to take the lead than a 7-ton,
scaled beast possessing the ability to fire photon torpedoes
from her breasts on demand. Skipper and Ken would be quite
safe. "C'mon soldier! Let's go pick up the rest of the
troops!" Godzilla ordered, and Ken followed along behind,
taking care to avoid tripping over her enormous tail. They
rendezvoused with Skipper in the galley. She had finished
her lesson with Abdul and carefully stowed her pupil in the
overhead compartments. Skipper donned her gear carefully,
taking care not to embed her curlers into her skull with her
helmet. "Ready troops? Let's move 'em out!" Ordered
Godzilla. "Yes, Sir, Madam Godzilla!" Replied Skipper
and Ken in unison. The commandos moved out.
Godzilla began by sniffing the perimeter of the galley, then
moving inward in concentric circles. "This room is clear."
Godzilla announced. "But I detect a bit of foul odor
coming from down the hall. Follow me, and man your odorizers!"
The team moved out of the galley and down the hall. Their
odorizers were set on stun. Godzilla, nose high in the air
and following the scent, led the way. Skipper and Ken were
close behind, wondering how they would ever be able to consume
a cupcake through all of their headgear.
"Over here! I think it's coming from this direction!
I'm going in!" Shouted Godzilla as she turned towards
the lavatory. "No, wait...it's coming from over here,
too!" She said as she spun the opposite direction towards...little
Abdul's room. "My God! It's surrounding us! The scent
is coming from two directions and surrounding us! This is
going to be trickier than I originally suspected. All right,
we're gonna have to split up. I'll take the lavatory, Skipper
and Ken, you take Abdul's room! Move out! Call out if you
encounter enemy forces!"
The team split up accordingly. "Holy Shit!" Shouted
Godzilla from the lavatory. She immediately radioed Skipper
and Ken. "This is the most disgusting thing I've ever
smelled! How about you guys...you found anything yet?"
"No, we're still looking." Due to their lack of
ampulae, Skipper and Ken would have to rely solely on their
combined olfactory senses. Unlike Godzilla, they did not have
a sixth sense. They sniffed about, here and there, bobbing
about the room. Eventually they homed in on the source of
the odor. It was coming from underneath little Abdul's bed.
"What the hell do you suppose it is? If it's his laundry
he needs some serious Tide action!" Said Ken. "No,
it doesn't smell like laundry. There's a carbon compound in
it somewhere...I can smell it! It was once and still may be
alive." Ken was quite impressed by Skipper's sudden expertise
of the periodic table. "Lift up the bedspread, I'll cover
you!" Ordered Skipper as she armed her odorizer. Ken,
being the gentle subservient that he is, was in no position
to argue. "OK, here we go!" He said as he threw
back the bedspread and exposed the floor beneath the bed.
The sudden rush of toxic odors pushed the team to the floor.
Skipper cried out in agony as her curlers simultaneously misfired.
She dropped her odorizer without firing a single shot, leaving
Ken in a cloud of toxic vapor. Ken luckily was able to fire
his own odorizer in time to avoid any permanent damage. Skipper
struggled to reach the emergency depressurization button on
the side of her helmet. The sudden gush of air from her head
signaled her success. "What the hell was that?!"
Shouted Skipper. "I don't know. You need to reset your
helmet so we can move in for a closer look." Skipper
did as instructed. The team lay flat on the floor and crawled
towards the source of the toxins. "What the hell!!"
Exclaimed Skipper. The team aimed their spotlights under the
bed. Before them was a strange agglomeration of what appeared
to be urns and containers. "What do you suppose he's
got in there?" Said Ken. "I don't know. Look! One
of them's leaking! Why don't you go look inside it?"
"No way, you go look in it!" "You're the boy!"
"You're the dyke!" "Let's get Godzilla to do
it! She's got her battle armor to protect her!" "Great
idea!" "Godzilla! Calling Godzilla! Come in Godzilla!"
Ken radioed Godzilla. "Roger! I read you! What is it!"
"We've found something alien and we need you to come
in and investigate!" "I'll be right in, but then
you've gotta come over and check out what I've found! Don't
touch anything until I get there!" "Don't worry!"
The clanking of armor announced the arrival of Godzilla.
"What is it? What have you found?" "Look under
the bed. There are all these urn thingies, and we don't know
what's inside of them. Whatever they contain, it smells pretty
ripe! One of them's leaking." "Step aside. I'll
handle it!" Skipper and Ken gladly obliged. Godzilla
produced a large pair of tongs from beneath her armor, ceased
the seeping urn, and moved it out from under the bed. She
lifted the lid ever-so-slightly, then suddenly a rush of vapor
filled the room. The toxin caused each member of the trio
to gasp for breath. This time Skipper and Ken were prepared,
and had braced themselves. Due to her immense size Godzilla
had no need to brace, she was topple-proof by nature. They
all fired their odorizers in sync. Slowly the team moved closer
to the urn. As they peered inside they could see that the
urn was quite full and quite festering. "Good God! This
looks like cous-cous and fish!! What in the hell is Abdul
doing with cous-cous and fish under his bed? You don't suppose
he was going to actually eat this stuff do you? I mean, what
kind of a person would actually eat that?!" Said Skipper.
"Terrorists aren't people!" Replied Ken. "They're
not even human! They'll eat anything!" "Obviously!"
"You know, Barbie's been signing for all these packages
that come from Abdul's mother every week. I'll bet she's been
sending him these urns! We thought it was just supplies for
building home chemical weapons." "You could still
be right about that!" "No, I think she's just worried
that her little terrorist isn't eating properly in the savage
land known as America!"
"Well, whatever! This is only half of the story. Wait
'til you see what I found in the lavatory! Follow me!"
Said Godzilla. "Make sure your helmets are tight. The
smell's even worse over there!" She added.
The trio moved in unison to the lavatory. Godzilla lit a
flare as they entered (for dramatic ambiance). "Over
there! Check out the bottles on the shelf! See the one labeled
'Eau du Bomb'? It's leaking, just like the urn under his bed.
Don't breathe directly from the bottle, wave your hand over
the top and waft some of the fumes towards your nose."
Ken did as instructed, waving his hand several times across
the top of the bottle. A rush of colognic vapors followed.
"Good God! You don't suppose he actually intends to wear
this stuff do you? It smells like garlic and stinky feet!"
"In his country, that's probably an aphrodisiac!"
Godzilla stated matter-of-factly. "Ewwwwwwwww!"
Shouted Skipper and Ken, again in unison. "This is so
gross! We've got to get him to stop! What are we going to
do?" "Well, little Abdul's gonna have to learn to
control his odors, that's all there is to it." Godzilla
stated matter-of-factly.
Someone at Casa Lesbo would be tasked with the hideous chore
of Tupperware training a fully-grown terrorist. The only question
now was...who? |
