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"Kitty! Kitty honey, wake up! It's me! Mimi! You're
surgery's complete and the doctor says you did just fine!"
Mimi said as she slapped Kitty's wrist repeatedly. "Wuh?
Huh? Where am I?" Replied Kitty. "Honey, you're
still in Tampa General! Dontcha remember anything honey?"
"I uh...Mimi! It is you! I just had the wildest dream!"
Kitty said as she peered around the room. And you were in
it! And you! And you!" She said as she pointed to Mimi,
Ken, and various other hospital staff. "Kitty honey,
you've just been through some major surgery with some very
powerful drugs, not to mention the vodka IV! You've just been
dreaming honey."
"No, no! It was so real! I remember being sedated just
prior to being wheeled out of my room. We were a little early,
so Nurse Shirley stopped along the way for a smoke at the
Cigar Bar, immediately past the Pulmonary-Respiratory Lounge.
She got a little too close to the oxygen tent and blew the
daylights out of her beehive! I remember the fire and rescue
squad coming to extinguish the blaze, and the last I saw of
her Nurse Shirley was being carted off to the burn ward."
"Kitty honey, reeeeeeeally!" "No, no Mimi!
It was real! I swear it was!" Kitty continued. "Well,
then Bruno the intern came to wheel me the rest of the way,
since Shirley had become a fire hazard. Well, poor Bruno.
He's new you know. When we arrived at my designated operating
room it was quite a shambles. Apparently they were in the
process of redecorating and adding some new Laura Ashley table
linens. I had been reassigned to another room, but somehow
nobody had informed Bruno. Being new and all, he's not very
familiar with the layout of the hospital. Before I knew it
I was being wheeled into the holistic massage ward. I was
surrounded by dozens exceptionally well-muscled interns, most
of them nude! Mimi they had fabulous definition! Anyway, they
were all in the process of administering hot oil massages
to each other. Bruno became quite distracted and before long
he had completely forgotten all about me! I just remember
him saying something about how awfully hot it was and feeling
the need to remove all of his clothing immediately! He practically
combusted spontaneously before my very eyes" "Kitty,
those drugs! You really do need to find out what they were
and we can pick up some extras on the way out!" Injected
Mimi. "Mimi, let me finish!" Kitty said in a huff.
"Well, I was approached by a very handsome doctor of
Kildarian origin completely devoid of any clothing. He asked
me what I was doing in the massage ward. I told him that I
had been on the way to the operating room when my intern became
lost." "Which operating room are you supposed to
be in? And who's your intern?" "My intern is Bruno,
he's somewhere in that group on your left. As far as where
I'm supposed to be, I don't really know. It must be in my
chart though." "Is this your chart over here?"
Said Dr. Kildare as he pointed with his alternative digit.
"I believe it is." "Well, let's see. You're
supposed to be in 37B. Lucky you! It's been recently redecorated
and it now has two new window AC units...you'll get plenty
of fresh air! Let me just suit up and I'll take you over.
I think you're intern will be here for a while yet."
"Why thank you ever so much Dr. Dick, I mean, Kildare."
"Dr. Kildare was distracted along the way by one of
his patients, Cleo Pocahontas. Cleo was a very indecisive
girl and had recently completed her third sex change operation.
She just couldn't decide what she wanted to be in life. Anyway,
she had had a problem with her medication and gone on the
rampage in the lipo ward. She had been quite upset about the
outcome of her second operation...it just wasn't big enough.
So she decided to have it cut off altogether. Her hormones
never really were the same after that. Anyway, as Dr. Kildare
was wheeling me past he was slapped by a huge glob of excess
fat that Cleo had pulled from the lipo surplus storage room.
Cleo had quite good aim and had knocked him out cold! Mimi
it was awful! I was strapped to the gurney and had no choice
but to lie there with an unconscious Dr. Kildare on top of
me and 17 pounds of excess fat dripping down my chin! I was
having flashbacks to my third husband, Ernie! Remember him?"
"Good God Kitty! Do you mean the guy that used to come
home with buckets of KFC and rub the drumsticks all over your
body?" "Exactly! What WAS I thinking when I married
that one?! I thought I'd never get the grease out of my sheets!"
"Kitty honey, do you mind if Ken and I order us up a
couple of cocktails from the hospital bar? I think I'm gonna
need 'em to get through this!" "Whatever Mimi. It's
number three on the speed dial." "Great honey! Keep
going though...I don't want to interrupt your train of thought!"
"Well, one of those very skinny nurses with 4% body
fat came out to see what was going on. She called out to her
assistants, Karen and Ally, to subdue the wild Cleo. Meanwhile,
she saw that I was in need and came to my aid. She rolled
Dr. Kildare off of me and gently slid him to the floor. Slid
being the operative word here, since both he and I were by
now completely soaked in lipo residue." "Can I help
you?" Inquired nurse Twiggy. "Well, I'm supposed
to be on my way to the operating room for a liver enlargement
procedure but somehow I just can't seem to find my way there!"
"Let's see." Said Nurse Twiggy as she reviewed Kitty's
chart. "Oh, you're supposed to be in OR 37B, the air
conditioned room." "Yes, I believe that's the one."
"No problem, I'll take you there myself." "Oh,
I'd be ever so grateful!" "Do you mind if we stop
by the hospital cafeteria along the way? I've only had two
Cheerios today and really could do with a snack!" Not
being in any position to argue, Kitty agreed. Nurse Twiggy
ordered a cheeseburger and a McTini from the McDonald's express
on the way. The McTini was the beverage of the month, and
had been quite successful. A ten-ounce martini in a tropical
tumbler. "OK, let's get you on up to the OR!" Said
Nurse Ally as she clamped the spill-proof cover on her tumbler.
"Finally we reached the OR. Dr. Titus Hepa was the physician
in charge. He had perfected the liver enlargement procedure
in his homeland of Bulgaria. The technique had been quite
successful and Dr. Hepa had since amassed quite a fortune
from his talents. Many speculated that his wealth now rivaled
that of Bill Gates. "Welcome Kitty! We've been waiting
for you!" "I'm so sorry Dr. Hepa, you wouldn't believe
the trouble I had getting here!" "No problem Kitty,
just relax. My assistant is running a little late with her
manicure and she'll be here shortly. We'll begin as soon as
her nails are dry. Would you like a cocktail while we're waiting?"
"Is that a good idea, Dr. Hepa? I mean, my surgery being
so close and all." "Not to worry Kitty, not to worry!
You'll be on a vodka drip anyway...any cocktail you have now
will only heighten the effect." "Well, in that case,
I'll take a double Manhattan please." "Coming right
up!" Being strapped into the gurney and all, Kitty was
fed her cocktail via a sip tube that was connected a large
reservoir on the side of her gurney. She didn't spill a single
drop of the precious elixir.
"I really don't remember much after that Manhattan.
I remember trying to suck the cherry through the plastic tube
and never really being able to get a good grip on it. The
next thing I knew you were slapping my wrist and trying to
wake me up." "Oh Kitty, you've got such a wild imagination!
I mean really, lipo wards and massage units! Please! Your
imagination has obviously been enhanced by the liver enlargement
procedure! This is fabulous! You really should jot all this
down before you forget the details! You could make a fortune
off of this tale. Or the lawsuit if any of it turns out to
be true!" "I swear to you Mimi, it's true! And you
were all in it, too!" Said Kitty as she pointed to the
various hospital staff in the room. "Right Kitty! But
you said Ken and I were in it too... and you haven't said
a thing about us! You must be suffering from some kind of
post surgical trauma."
"Mimi! Every word is true, and you know it! I can tell
by the way that little vein in your forehead is trembling!
You're afraid I'll remember something else, aren't you? Something
that could implicate you and Ken in something positively scandalous!
I can just feel it!" "Oh Kitty, calm yourself! You're
going to hyperventilate!" "No! I remember hearing
you and Ken arguing over something a short while after my
surgery. Oh my God! I remember! I know what it was! You were
trying to guess the PIN of my ATM card! What was it? Oh! You
wanted to get me a get-well-soon gift, but neither one of
you had any money left after your night at the Chica Cohiba
in Ybor City, which coincidentally made you late for my surgery
this morning!" Mimi was shocked. She wondered how much
else Kitty would eventually remember about the morning's events.
"You and Ken had been watching the Home Shopping Network
and saw a Holly Hobby Martini Kit on sale. You had found my
ATM card and ran it through my bedside debit machine, but
neither one of you could remember the PIN, which kind of surprised
me. Imagine. Neither of you could remember a simple phrase
like '100-proof'!"
"Kitty! How can you say such a thing! For you to even
THINK that we would get you a good will gift and charge it
to your own account!" Mimi said as she slurped the olive
from her martini. She gave Ken a knowing wink. He discreetly
slipped Kitty's ATM card back into her clutch. "Ken honey,
order us up some refills will ya? Kitty's gotta case of the
post surgery talkies real bad. We're gonna need reinforcements!"
"Right away Aunt Mimi, right away!" |
