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"Who is God?" Man has asked himself that question
for centuries, and now Ken was asking it of himself. In the
early days of life on this planet, man had seen fit to designate
a god for every emotion or event he saw fit. As civilizations
blossomed and boomed, the increasing number of emotions that
man began to experience and plethora of historical events
resulted in a boom in the god population. This in turn resulted
in the invention of the Rolodex. The gods were quite fickle
and prone to change their name and function at any time, not
to mention their residence. The Rolodex was the only way man
could keep track of the growing number of gods and their whereabouts.
Eventually maintaining an up-to-date Rolodex became impossible...the
gods were changing their names and functions daily. Man decided
to consolidate all of the gods into one god. That way maintaining
a current name and address would be much simpler-man only
had to track one god. Along with consolidating the names of
the gods into one, all of their functions were also consolidated.
Finding god was much easier.
"Why does man turn to God?" Ken explored the issue
further. "God is the one we turn to in times of need.
If you're down and in need of comfort, you turn to God. When
one close to your heart passes on, you turn to God for comfort
and hope that God will receive them with open arms in the
afterlife. When something goes right, you turn to God to express
your thanks for God having seen fit to send good fortune your
way. When you find that special someone to share your life
with, you thank God every day for the rest of your life. God
is always there to listen, and usually, with the exception
of television evangelists and Tammy Faye Baker, for free."
All of these thoughts were flowing through Ken's head as
he lay there under the palm trees being massaged by the hands
of the Amazon manboy. Ken was thanking God for sending the
Amazon manboy his way. The touch of his hands brought pleasure
to every inch of Ken's body. The soothing energy flowing forth
from the manboy brought inner peace to Ken. He was thanking
God for sending the manboy his way. "Thank you"
he said to himself. "You're very welcome." Manboy
responded. A chill ran down Ken's spine. Had the manboy actually
read his thoughts? "Just relax, I mean you no harm. I
am here to protect and comfort you." Manboy continued.
Ken's thoughts began to race. "Good God! I have found
God! He's right here in the flesh and has vowed to protect
me! This is incredible!" Ken found it very hard to relax,
now that he had encountered God in person. "You're tensing
up...just let go and relax." Manboy continued. "Oh
my God! This isn't God, it's Death in disguise! He's here
to take me to the other side, my time is up here on earth
and he wants to take me away now! Damn! I was really looking
forward to the millennium and now I won't be here! And the
lease on the DreamVet isn't even up yet!" The manboy
ran his hands along Ken's shoulders and up his neck. As he
pressed his hands to Ken's scalp, Ken began to fall asleep.
If he was going to die, he would go peacefully.
When Ken awoke the sun had set. There were a billion stars
in the sky and the moon was three-quarters full. He was so
relaxed he felt as if he were floating. "Hungry?"
A voice inquired from high above. "God is calling to
me from Heaven!" Ken thought to himself. Ken sat up slowly
and tried to focus on the source of the voice. "You've
been sleeping for quite some time, surely you must need some
nourishment." The voice again spoke from high above.
Ken squinted and saw a figure floating above him. "God?
Is that you?" "You can call me that if you want.
I am known by many names to many people." Ken gasped
and fainted.
"Are you OK?" The voice inquired repeatedly as
Ken regained consciousness. "What? Who? What happened?"
Ken asked. "I don't know. I was sitting in the palm tree
above you admiring the stars when you awoke. I was asking
you if you were hungry and you passed out. When was the last
time you ate? You seem pretty weak." "What? I remember
talking to God and when he answered me back I must've fainted."
"Oh. That was me." "You're God?!" Ken
said as he sat upright. "Well, I said you could call
me that if you wished. Many people call me many things."
Ken struggled to maintain his composure. "Let's go get
something to eat. I know a great vegetarian restaurant only
a mile or so from here. I'll drive." Said God. Ken was
in shock. Not only did God possess the ability to partake
of earthly fruits, he could also drive a car! "C'mon,
let's get going before you get any weaker!" Ken was in
no position to argue with God.
As they approached God's chariot Ken could see that it was
a candy-apple red V6 Mustang convertible. If that didn't bring
a man closer to God, nothing would. As they settled into the
car Ken found it amusing that God wore a seatbelt. As if he
had anything to worry about! God revved the engine and floored
the gas pedal. The Mustang was practically airborne. Ken found
the rush of the night air around him as they approached hyperspeed
quite exhilarating. The pinprick of a neon sign on the horizon
quickly became seven stories high. "Athena's Vegetarian
Delight" the sign read. God had taken Ken to Mount Olympus!
Ken wondered if Hercules and Xena would be there to greet
him.
The restaurant was fairly busy, and the waitress was in no
hurry to serve them. Ken found it odd that God would put up
with such poor service. "Patience must indeed be one
of God's true virtues." Ken thought to himself. The waitress
eventually found her way to God's table. "What'll it
be guys?" "Here, let me order for you." God
insisted. "OK." Ken replied. "We'll have the
couscous-garbanzo platter, followed by the olive loaf and
tofuti dip. Oh, a plate of fried tofu in plum sauce would
be good, too." "To drink?" "Your house
blend of Ambrosia." "What else?" Ken thought
to himself. "Great. It'll be a couple of minutes 'cause
we're pretty busy tonight." The waitress replied. "No
problem Lucy." "God knows the waitress's name!"
Ken thought to himself. Of course, being God and all, I guess
he would." Ken scorned himself for not realizing this
sooner.
"So tell me a little more about you, Ken." Said
God. Ken found this odd. Being God, he should already know
everything there was to know about him. But then again, maybe
God really couldn't be everywhere all of the time. That would
explain several current events and Cher's most recent plastic
surgery. Ken began to go over his life's resume. God was actually
interested in hearing all of the details and Ken was more
than happy to talk about himself. Before long Lucy delivered
several plates of tofu and bean concoctions. God and Ken dug
in. While it was true that Ken was indeed much hungrier than
he had been realized, it didn't take him long to realize why
he was, for the most part, quite carnivorous. Tofu and plum
sauce were no competition for a platter of Mom's Bar-b-Que.
But Ken did not wish to insult or offend God, so he kept a
smile on his face and tried not to gag as he swallowed the
couscous and bean curd. When it was time to go God produced
his Visa card and offered to pay the bill. "God drives
a Mustang AND carries a Visa! This is quite a revelation!
God leaves home without his American Express card!" Ken
thought to himself. He made a mental note to destroy his American
Express card right after the next billing cycle. Here all
along he had thought that there was no way to survive without
it... God had proven him wrong. To survive within the confines
of a pre-set spending limit was indeed possible. They hopped
into God's Mustang and drove back to the beach.
"I supposed I should let you go now. Your strength appears
to have returned and you've got quite a drive back to your
B&B. I live in the mountains near Pele. I'd love to show
it to you sometime. Here...let me give you my pager number
so you can reach me when you have some time." "Oh
my God!" Ken thought to himself. "God's giving me
his pager number! Technology and the information age have
even penetrated the gates of Heaven! This is amazing!"
"Here ya go. Call me...I look forward to hearing from
you." God kissed Ken and patted him on the back as he
exited the Mustang. Ken's head was really whirling now. Not
only had he been touched by God but now God had actually kissed
him! He stared at the card in his hand with God's pager number.
No name appeared on the card, just a number. God obviously
wouldn't want just anyone to have access to his beeper number,
so he must've left his name off for security purposes.
Ken settled into the RentaVet and waved goodbye to God as
he drove away in his red Mustang. In a flash the car had been
reduced to nothing but taillights on the horizon. Covering
the same distance in the RentaVet would take much longer,
but then Ken was, afterall, a mere mortal. He had no choice
but to survive on mortal accessories, at least for the time
being. He fired up the Vet and sputtered along back to Kona.
His head was swooning the entire way.
A golden glow on the horizon drew his attention. Drawn he
was like a bug to a porchlight. There was no escape. He floored
the pedal and pushed the Vet as fast as it would go. His mouth
was watering as he pulled up to the drive-up window and ordered
two Big Macs, an order of fries, and an extra large Coke.
He sincerely hoped that God would understand. |
