Skipper’s diet came to an abrupt end.
Ken had returned home one night to discover her gnawing on
a doorknob and violently thrashing out at a cupcake. He immediately
tossed her a Prozac-laden tidbit. That was it, he had had
enough. He demanded that Skipper go back on the pill and give
up cupcake deprivation. There was simply no alternative. Barbie
agreed. Skipper would just have to adjust her lifestyle at
a later date…there was no way she could give up cupcakes
or Prozac cold turkey. It was just not possible. Since Barbie
and Skipper do everything together, Barbie also resumed cupcake
consumption. Was Ken the sole survivor and reigning king of
Diet Week? It seemed so. He decided to celebrate by taking
a midweek trip to Vodka Land.
Unfortunately Ken had not checked the date on his calendar
prior to jettisoning to Vodka Land. Upon arrival he was immediately
surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of polyester housecoats
and badly streaked hair…it was the night of the Linda
Tripp look-alike contest! Ken forfeited his diet.
Everywhere he looked there were Lindas. Lindas here, Lindas
there…there were Lindas all around him. Any one of them
could have been the real thing, except perhaps Rovetta. Rovetta
was a golden retriever wearing a mop on her head. Ken thought
about it for a moment, then decided that even she could be
the real Linda Tripp. She certainly had the face for it. Ken
slapped himself for being so cruel, taking care not to spill
any vodka in the process. Several gallons and several minutes
later, Ken realized that indeed Linda Tripp no longer frightened
him. Through his vodka haze he could see that she really was
“just like us”, well, except for the face and
all. She was nowhere near as frightening as Godzilla, with
only a fraction of the scales. Had he actually conquered his
fear of Linda? Indeed it seemed so. Ken had one last gallon
for the road, bid farewell to the Lindas and blasted off.
Ken returned from Vodka Land to discover the perimeter of
Casa Lesbo surrounded by the local SWAT team. A tight-buttocked,
well-muscled officer in a body-hugging suit of a most flattering
cut instructed him to remain in his vehicle until the area
had been secured. Ken was quite frightened. “Officer,
what seems to be the problem?” “We’re not
quite sure, sir. Neighbors called to report gunshots and screams
coming from somewhere in the vicinity. We’ve sealed
the perimeter and are currently conducting an investigation.”
“Sounds pretty scary!” “It is sir, but we
can handle it.” Ken thought about handling it himself,
but opted not to spend time in jail.
From the dream vet Ken could see through the main window
of Casa Lesbo. Godzilla’s eyes were clearly visible
as they projected infrared lasers about the room. She had
crash-landed directly into the sofa upon return from Florida.
The force of the impact and the resultant crater had embedded
her massive body into the sofa. The fine mesh of dermal dentacles
that coated her body made it impossible for her to free herself,
she would simply have to wait until her next molting to get
up. Her lack of mobility led Ken to deduce that Godzilla was
not the cause of the SWAT incident. There had been no reports
of a rampant lizard with a sofa stuck to her back. Who else
could it be?
Several minutes and infinitesimal fantasies later, there
was a large commotion coming from the back of Casa Lesbo!
“Over here, men! And bring the floodlights!” Officer
Buttock tightened his grip on his weapon and jogged over to
join his comrades. Ken felt no option but to join the gathering.
It was a bonding thing.
As he drew closer he could hear a rustling and a very distinct
noise coming from the bushes. “What is that noise? I
know that noise! Why is it so familiar?” Ken thought
to himself. The men surrounded the site and moved in closer.
A whir of helicopter blades came from above as floodlights
blazed down upon the source of the sound. Suddenly a large
thrashing object sat upright and flailed itself high in the
air. The SWAT team immediately opened fire. Bullets and tight
buttocks were flying everywhere. Ken shrieked, butchly of
course, and jumped behind the nearest tree, clutching Officer
Buttock for support.
After a few seconds the firing subsided. A few minutes later
Ken released his grip on Officer Buttock. Ken and the SWAT
team moved in for a closer look. Through the carnage of shredded
foliage (the topiary would never be the same), Ken spied a
bullet-riddled, leg-like object. “My God!” Ken
exclaimed. “It’s one of Skipper’s legs!
What in the hell is it doing out here?” “Do you
recognize this object, sir?” “Yes I do! It’s
one of Skipper’s legs!” “Skipper?”
“Yes, she’s my roommate. She lost a leg in ‘Nam
and has several replacements. You know, one for evening wear,
one for daylight, some for sports.” “Do you know
her current whereabouts, sir?” “In the house,
I imagine. I’ll go check.” “If you don’t
mind we’d like to accompany you, sir.” “This
is my lucky day!” Ken thought to himself.
“Ouch!” Ken burned his hand on the doorknob he
entered Casa Lesbo. It was a sure sign that Godzilla was nearby.
“Watch the handle, guys. And please be careful not to
disturb the beast on the sofa. She’s usually quite docile,
but has been known to attack when startled. And stow any fish
you may have with you…that can also cause her to lash
out. Wait here in the kitchen while I try to locate Skipper.”
“Skipper! Skipper! Are you home?”
“Yessssss.” Ken heard Skipper’s meek little
reply. “Where are you?” “In my rooooom.”
Again, a very timid reply. “Skipper, what was you leg
doing in the back yard?” “Nuhhhh-thing.”
“Skipper, there are some men here to see you.”
Suddenly Skipper burst into tears. “I’m so sorry,
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone! I really didn’t!
I’m so sorry! Don’t let them take me away! I’d
never survive in prison! Please Ken, pleeeeease! Don’t
let them take me!” Ken tried to calm down the hysterical
Skipper. “What do you mean? No one’s here to take
you away. They just want to ask you some questions. By the
way, what WAS your leg doing outside all by itself?”
“Waaaaaaaahhhhhh…” Skipper began to sob
again. “I’m so sorry, it was all an accident!
I feel so bad, and now I’m going to have to go to jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-il!
Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!” Ken checked Skipper’s curlers
to make sure that they had the proper amount of tension. They
were OK, not too tight. “It’s OK honey, just come
with me. The nice men just want to ask you some questions,
that’s all.”
Skipper finally calmed down enough to answer the officer’s
questions. Officer Buttock took the lead, of course. “Was
that your object we found outside, ma’am?” “Yes.”
“Do you know how it came to be located outside?”
“Well, indirectly. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt
anyone, I swear it!” Skipper began to sob again and
was consoled by Officer Buttock. Ken was jealous, but managed
not to show it. Officer Buttock resumed his questioning. “So,
just tell us what happened ma’am, nobody’s gonna
hurt you. We’re just trying to gather the facts.”
“Well, I have several artificial legs, you know. There
are the tan ones for summer, the white ones for winter, the
flippered ones for swimming…” Officer Buttock
interrupted. “Yes, ma’am, we get the picture.
Please continue.” “Well, today I got my new Easy-Walker
2000. It’s designed for extended wear and exceptional
comfort. I wore it the whole day and never got tired! It was
fabulous. Well, it felt so good that I forgot to take it off
when I went to bed! It’s just like the real thing! So,
I brushed my teeth and went right to bed just like usual,
only I didn’t bother taking my leg off. I was in bed
about ten or fifteen minutes when I began to get that old
familiar feeling.” Skipper blushed. “That old
familiar feeling, ma’am? What is that?” “You
know, THAT feeling.” Skipper winked at Officer Buttock.
“No, ma’am, I’m afraid you’ve lost
me.” “For God’s sake! You men are all alike!
You’re so out of touch with a woman’s feelings!
I wanted to use my vibrator you idiot!” This time Officer
Buttock was the one to blush.
“I keep the PowerPro 2000 in the top drawer of my nightstand
for easy access. It was easy enough—I just reached over
and pulled it out of the drawer. But when I fired it up something
went desperately wrong! I guess I forgot to notice that the
Easy-Walker 2000 is powered by several 9-volt batteries, and
when I fired up the PowerPro 2000 it created quite a current!
A giant blue arc shot out across the bed and sparks began
to fly everywhere! Do you realize that my hair is probably
permanently curled now?! I’ll never be able to get the
frizz out! I was so scared! Loud pops began to go off, and
the Easy Walker suddenly dislodged and began hopping away
all on its own! I was pinned to the bed by the current, and
before I could grab it the Easy Walker hopped right out of
the window! The electrical arc followed it, and it continued
to backfire louder and louder! I was screaming for help, but
no one was home except for Godzilla, and as you know she’s
currently embedded in the sofa. Finally I was able to turn
off the PowerPro, but the Easy Walker kept right on going!
I guess that’s when the neighbors called you. It was
just like Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang out there in the bushes!
I could see it hopping and sparking, popping and firing all
on its own! There was no way I could have stopped it on my
own! Thank you so much for stopping it! Pleeeeeeeeease, please
don’t make me go to jail! I didn’t mean it, it
was an accident, it really, really was!” “That’s
fine, ma’am. We have all the information we need to
file our report. Don’t worry, you won’t be going
to jail. At least not for this incident!” “Damn!”
Ken thought to himself. He was already planning Skipper’s
cell décor.
Officer Buttock rounded up his troops and departed. Ken watched
as the buns filed out one by one through the airlock. He invited
each one of them to come back for a brew sometime. They said
they’d keep it in mind. Ken turned to Skipper, who was
sitting at the table with a dozen cupcakes before her. “Need
a little vodka tonic to wash those down, Sweetie?” “Do
I ever!” She replied. The camera fades out with Skipper
and Ken giggling away, sticking their used cupcake wrappers
on the back of the sleeping Godzilla.
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